itiscomplicated's Datingish

Is chocolate ruining my sex life?

Thu, 27 Nov 2008 06:59:51 GMT

Yes, a return post about sex. After all, love and sex are sometimes regarded as partners in crime. I know that it is possible to have sex without love and love without sex but I just don't think that way. I have the most loving and wonderful boyfriend ever but ever since we moved in together our sex life has been lacking. And sometimes even non existent. It isn't that I've gained weight, or vice versa. In fact, I want to hump him right now. The only problem is that is he never "in the mood" which does not go to say that he does not find me attractive. I'm sure he must because he hasn't stopped being affectionate, like right now he's rubbing my leg and kissing me on the forehead. But the act of sex seems like too much work for him or he just doesn't seem to need it. I haven't let it affect our relationship. We still do things normally, abate the sex part. But a friend of mine is going through the same thing as I am, having recently moved in with her BF, her sex life has also slowed. At any rate, the point is that we were sitting on the couch watching tv and he's eating chocolate. LOTS of chocolate. Chocolate ice cream, chocolate milk, little chocolate truffles, anything chocolate is his bag. And mostly it's my fault because I love bringing home chocolate bits for him to eat. So is it that chocolate, which produces the same feelings in the brain as sex, is filling my boyfriend's appetite so that he doesn't think about sex or want or need it? Help.

P.S. I have tried everything everyone has asked me to. Sexy underwear, mood lighting, dinner making, kinky toys, porn. *le sigh*

Work and Love.

Sun, 14 Sep 2008 08:03:18 GMT

I have the unfortunate/fortunate, however you want to look at it, luck of working with Steve. The plus side is that I get to see him at work, i know his coworkers and we don't work in the same kitchen so there's no ill will between us. On the downside, he works in the better kitchen and I work in the less good kitchen and now that it's time for me to move up the career ladder, our relationship becomes an issue. The fact that we are seeing each other makes it complicated at work because management is unsure if we should be working in the same kitchen should a conflict arise outside of work that affects our work. I don't really see a problem because Steve and I were coworkers before we started seeing each other outside of work. We have a very different relationship in the kitchen as oppose to at home. In the kitchen we are both cooks, we give each other the same respect and criticisms that each one deserves. We're objective and straight forward, even if feelings are hurt. I'm not afraid to tell him something is salty and he is not afraid to tell me I'm making a mess. That's just how we are in our relationship as well. So I really hope management will not discredit me based on this one fact. I don't know. I do know it pisses me off. They should just reward hard work and good talent, not bring personal life into it.

Google love advice!

Thu, 11 Sep 2008 08:55:54 GMT

I found out something extremely amusing about datingish/xanga. On your feedback log you can look into the past four days and see whose been looking at your site and how they happened to navigate there. Apparently my latest post, "The Female Friend." was spotted time and again on google. After a few days of lurking I came back to Datingish and found that my view count had jumped up to, wait for it, that's right, over 400! Those things never happen to me. But at any rate, the feedback log also keeps track of how the person found your sight. IE, google. And it also lets you click on the link that brought the person to your website. Giving you exactly what it was they googled. Some were funny, some weird, and some downright strange. One google was, "he keeps a female friend secret." and yet another was more blatant, "Ex wife prettier then me." It got me thinking. If these people just communicated their feelings to the other person, then they wouldn't be on google trying to figure out what was wrong with their relationship. In this crazy modern world, people are spending less and less time talking to other people about their problems. Instead they seek out "Dr. Phil's", advice columns, psychics, blogs. Even I am guilty of asking google whether or not I was ready to move in with a guy. So what is it about google, or any other form of advice aside from directly asking the person? Is it the sense of security in knowing that they won't be able to judge you or make fun of you for your questions? Is it to obtain opinions without actually letting someone know what is on your mind?

Anyone else ever google love advice?

The female friend.

Thu, 04 Sep 2008 04:27:20 GMT

I met a friend of Steven's awhile back who had gone to college with him. We were discussing how Steve was as a roommate and all the crazy things he got into as a college kid. And the girls he dated or didn't date. Which brought up a certain friend of his, let's call her Liz. Liz and Steve grew up together and were both in the same culinary program in High School and then went to the same college as each other. Steve has told me plenty about Liz, like the fact that his mother adored her and wanted him to date her and take her to prom and what not. But he was just never interested in her. At any rate, in college, Steve's friend, let's call him Jon, said that Liz would come down to their dorm room and literally just stare at Steve. Hopelessly in love with Steven and with no hope that he would return the look. He asked if I was concerned about her. (She's recently engaged to another guy and they're getting married next May) A part of me was, sorta of concerned. After all, this was the girl that his mother, as much as she liked me, had wanted him to be with. This girl had known him his whole life, knew his quirks and habits. They had done almost everything together, trips and competitions and they had confided in each other their thoughts and dreams. What if one day he woke up and wanted to be with her and not me? I've never met her, but when I voiced that little note of insecurity to Steven, he just laughed and said, "She's not my type." So simple, that should have reassured me but it didn't, not really. Finally, after weeks of doubt and sleepless nights thinking about this girl and how she was pretty and smart and came from a prominent family. I let it go. I didn't realized how simple it was but the minute I learned she was getting engaged and married and then we received her wedding invitation, I knew that even if she never stopped loving him. He was in love with me and I hadn't anything to fear.
I know a lot of people who had this situation happen to them and probed into it and nagged and begged and got upset with their SO. I think that tend to drive the other person away. It comes back to comparisons except worse because now they were the ones making comparisons. Loud statements like, "Do you think she's prettier then me, smarter, richer." Etc. And then the other person starts thinking that maybe, yes they are all those things. I don't know, I'm getting of track.

Any of you ever have that happen. Your significant other had a best friend whom they undoubtly shared almost everything with and some how that made you nervous.

Marriage, Children, Love.

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 07:56:49 GMT

I believe that if two people love each other and want to get married so be it. No matter their sexual orientation. And if they want to raise a family and are more then qualified for the job. It shouldn't matter. Steven believes otherwise. He was raised in a very conservative fashion and believes that a man and a woman should raise children, nothing differently. We've had many conversations (no shouting involved so it wasn't an argument) about why this may or may not be wrong. I believed that if two people were willing to love a child, that child was going to be raised just fine. He believes that the child needs a mother and a father in order to be raised properly. I countered with the fact that several wonderful people are raised in single parent homes so the lack of one parental unit although potentially detrimental, wasn't such an issue. And in which case, the child with two parents who loved him/her would be raised even better. I know it's a touchy subject but I firmly believe in this ideal that a family consists of people who love each other, no matter the race, or the parental figures and their sexual orientation. We finally did come to one agreement, and that is that love is love and people who love their children will want to raise them right no matter what.

What do you guys/girls think? I know there is no wrong or right answer here. Only opinions.

Dirty Laundry

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 06:39:59 GMT

We're angry at each other again. For the same stupid reason, again. He's loaded the laundry (located in the basement) and has failed for the past two hours to load it into the dryer. Livid I go down and I change it. He's angry at me. The same argument ensues. I want him to change it on a timely basis, he wants me to let him work at his own pace, I want him to understand that I have to fold it so it's best if it's done so I can go to bed, he thinks I am impatient, I tell him I can't survive if I'm not timed perfectly. He gets angry, walks away. I finish the laundry, sulky at best. I crawl into bed and lay there, anger brewing inside, waiting to yell at him when he walks into bed.
He slides in next to be, holds me and says softy, "I don't want to make you upset, I'm sorry about the laundry."
I'm still livid, "You don't understand Steven, I don't function that way, I have to have a timeline or I'll go crazy."
He gets upset, "Why won't you just let me do it on my own time?"
"Because I give you chances and you always let me down, it always takes you three days to do laundry, I don't want to do laundry for three days, I want to do it once a week, that's it."
"It's just laundry."
Now I'm even madder, "You don't understand Steven, this affects everything you do outside of work, as a cook, you're awesome, you have everything timed, things are clean and smooth and functional. Here at home, you don't do things on a timely basis, you don't consider what the results will be from the actions you take, or don't take."
He gets quiet, I'm still fuming, the silence between us is deafening.
"You want me to change?"
Softly I whisper, "I don't want to change you, I love you the way you are. I wouldn't be with you if I didn't love you just the way you are, I just want you to do what you do at work at home, not all of the time, just enough." (then in my usual tone) " I don't even know if that's the right thing to say..."
Finally he smiles at me, I know that even if none of the information has gone into his skull, he at least understands right now. (We haven't done laundry for the week yet soo cross our fingers)

How about that?

Boundaries

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 07:32:06 GMT

There's a scene at the beginning of the movie "The Sweetest Thing" in which Selma Blair's character (Jane) is sitting on Cameron Diaz's (Christina) character's couch crying over the fact that her boyfriend has left her and picks up a book reading a quote as follow, "Commandment Number 4, Thou shalt be open to love's possibilities. Boundaries are the enemy of love." Do you believe that? I've always noticed that I have loved openly for many if not all of my relationships. My main thing though is that if I hadn't been so open about it, could I have saved myself all of the heartache and misery that came with those relationships failing? How many endless nights of crying would I have saved myself if I had set up boundaries and set up barriers to protect my heart? I continue to love without boundaries and know that that works for me but it might not be the same for everyone. How do many of you feel about boundaries, both in the pursuit of a relationship and during the course of one.

So this is love.

Thu, 21 Aug 2008 08:39:40 GMT

Steve and I are talking about something. It's his turn and he's going on and on about something but I can't hear the words clearly. I'm staring at him, the color of his eyes with the light behind him, dark green and grey, the roundness of his face, the shadow of stubble across it, all of this hypnotizes me. He was getting out of bed to go back out to the living room to do something. He finally notices that I'm staring at him. I must look dumbfounded. He stares inquisitively at me.
"Come here." I say.
He smiles, he understands lying down next to me. We kiss softly, no tongue, no passionate love making, just soft touching of the lips and then he's staring at me with that look on his face. I know I have the same look on mine. The "I can't believe how much I love you face."
"It's like I've seen you all day baby, but just now, right this moment I'm seeing you... does that make sense?"
He nods again, rubbing the small of my back, "Yeah it does."
Nothing happens for a few minutes, we just stare at each other and grin like fools, high as kites on each other.

So this is love. I've known for a long time that I loved him. Knew it was going to be impossible to not fall for those blue eyes and that beautiful smile... when he first kissed me... But we became a couple and we moved in together and ours lives became routine. Hello and goodbye kisses, eating, sleeping, waking up, going to work.... And although the love was there, as all things that become routine, we got used to it and it didn't seem so extraordinary. And then this moment occurred.... Nothing tragic happened, no one had an affair, no one had secrets to share or dreams accomplished to celebrate. It was just two people talking.... and love came barreling back to remind us that it was still an extraordinary thing.

Does size really matter?

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 06:09:34 GMT

"It's so big!"
I'm staring at my friend Helen's engagement ring. It's a three stone ring, two carats total, one carat center and two half carat accents. The quality, the cut, the color, etc, it was all very beautiful. She's a lucky girl. The ring is beautiful, her fiance is a good guy, he works hard and he was my boyfriends best friend. They got married a few weeks ago, they're good for each other.
"It's a one and a half carat center diamond." My cousin holds her hand out to Steven. The ring sparkles, she's been married for a two years at this point, "If you ever ask her to marry you, it's going to have to be bigger then this." I'm mortified, Steven and I had been dating for all of six months. Steve just smiles politely.
Suddenly we have to contend with all of our friends and families getting married while the two of us are still just dating. It isn't enough that there are all those big scary celebrities and their hundred thousand dollar pink,yellow,maroon diamond engagement rings. Now he's being pressured by the other rings around us? I might never get engaged to him in that case! (just kidding btw)
Ever hear the saying about how a man has to purchase a ring that's bigger then the girl's best friend's? I don't really think that the size of the ring matters, I know people who are divorced who got incredibly large rings and some with small rings. The same goes for successful marriages as well. So does size really matter? Steve and I have discussed the size of the ring, not so much the act of marriage since we both know we want to wait. But the size, arguing jokingly about the amount of diamonds involved, cut, clarity, etc. (My preferred is single solitaire or Tiffany Novo setting, His is three stoned classic) It's good to have someone so loose about the situation because we both do want the same thing, just not quite yet.
So the question is, does the size of the ring matter to you? Or like me do you just hope he'll ask. =)

"You're just like me ex!"

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 05:17:51 GMT

Or better yet, "I like that you don't do that thing my ex does."

I dated this one guy for a month the summer after I graduated High School. He was everything I thought I wanted in a man. He was super cool, funny, charming, good looking, loved video games, movies and pretty much all the other things I loved. For weeks before we finally started "dating" we had witty conversations about life and love and writing. It was amazing. Then we met and it was even better then just talking. IT was amazing. I started thinking, I'm probably not good enough for him, he's so much older and more mature then I am, he's too good looking for me, he's too smart for me, etc, etc. All relationships probably go through that phase but the real problem for me, the one that drove me away from him slowly and surely was the fact that he constantly compared me to his ex girlfriend and asking me to compare him to my ex. Not in a mean way like, "You're not as pretty as she is." But I think slightly worse, like, " My ex girlfriend used to do that, I'm really glad you don't do that." It plays a trick on my mind because suddenly, I'm thinking, "oh no, I shouldn't do that!" Even if it was something completely mundane like wearing jeans without pockets or the size of a certain body part. If he hadn't done that, I wouldn't have thought my ex boyfriend was anything special but suddenly I was comparing, just like he was! And finding faults with him I normally wouldn't have even cared for.

I'm not saying comparisons are completely bad, they're a good way to count your blessings, a way to make an intelligent decision. But when the comparisons become nitpicking, it can become tiring. It makes it impossible to love or be loved for whom you are. People can get lost in the comparisons.

Have any of you ever been compared to an ex or done the comparing?